erdi interrupted

If the Mayans were right about 2012...

2011-12-28T23:13:00.000-08:00

Whether you choose to believe that the prophecy suggests the end of the world, or if you interpret it to mean that Earth and its inhabitants will go through a positive physical and spiritual transformation and mark the beginning of a new era.... Point is, we all have to live it out before December 21st 2012.

On a more personal note...

Every year seems to pass with such haste. I find myself counting down to the point that it became as dull and numb as birthdays. 2011, however, will be a year I will remember. A year that was so painful, the year I took myself out of the box and saw things from a new perspective.

2011 tested my emotional and mental strength, and it succeeded by throwing me down. Somehow, while I was in that ditch, I managed to find inner peace and the end of 2011 marked growth in me.

I lost friends and family members this year. Physically, and emotionally. And the thing about losing, is not about how you've lost them.. but how you deal with losing. I know I've mentioned this before.. but I'm going to say it again. Never dodge. Let the pain shower over you and cry as much as you want. Always deal. Because, once you block it out.. you start blocking everything else out.. and one day when you're all 'okay', the things that were supposed to have hurt you in the past will all come running back and bite you hard in the ass.

I remember people through their words..

Jo said once, that we're under the same sky. When I'm away and alone, smoking in the freezing winter on the balcony, those words never fail to put a smile on my face.. no matter how you feel, where you are, whether you're alone.. those words just bring you closer to all the ones you love..

Someone wished me inner peace this year. For the rest of my life, I will remember him for that although I didn't know him well. Thank you Zul Y.

Happy 2012! Wishing you all 'inner peace', and a great year ahead.

<3 , erdi

Pre-Xmas Blues

2011-12-09T03:03:00.001-08:00

There are a lot of things I miss about Christmas. Although religiously, I'm not actually bound by the holiness attached to this jolly celebration, traditionally.. I've always been that child unwrapping my presents at lightning speed under the artificial christmas tree that's been the same old one we used for years.

It all stopped with the passing of a man we all greatly loved. Celebrating felt like too much of a chore without his pranks, laughter, and especially, without his eagerness for us all to sit together with glasses of egg nog (and punch for the adults.. I'm pretty sure they did some spiking).. and soon, our pre and post-christmas blackjack nights became awkwardly silent and died off after a number of attempts without that jovial energy.

Last Christmas, someone tried to relive that mood for me by sprinkling my money plant with baby powder and coiled a wire of mini lightbulbs around it, and as much as reliving it was what I've always wanted to do, the memories came along with it, and the realization sunk that I would never have those days again.

We can hold on to good memories, but to re-enact them and hope for the same kind of satisfaction would be too far-fetched.

Thats why memories are special. Because the ones you remember are the ones that are so distinct in their nature that there's no way of coming close to it via a remake. And the more you try to re-enact it, the more you know you haven't gotten over it.

This year, I'm moving on and making new memories of my own. But you will always be in my heart.

Merry Christmas..

RIP S.F

sweet escapes

2011-12-06T19:38:00.001-08:00

when it gets too noisy, and the world does not understand that you're the sort who needs peace and quiet to rejuvenate.. always find a sweet escape.

i found mine.

things i learnt, a little too late..

2011-10-12T09:06:00.000-07:00

a week away from turning a year older. here i am, with a constant stabbing in that thing that's surprisingly still beating. with most of my friends getting hitched and starting a new family this year, i decided to put down a list of things i learnt, a little too late, and things i've always known that i've never put into practice..

1) Love for the moment
..because when all your energy's saved up for a possible "what if" situation that may or may not happen in the future, people around you may never realise your true potential.. of being that wholesome loving person everyone wants to be around and cuddle with under a blanket on a cold day. the warmth you are capable of sharing, is only possible when you learn that love does not run out. and by love, i do not mean 'screw'.

2) Unexpect all that you've come to expect
.. always start on a clean slate. just because your ex ex ex ex bf cheated on you with your best friend, don't expect that it will happen again. if it does, u know u dealt with it before so u can handle it again. but don't work your relationship around the fact that it could happen again. dont punish your loved ones for things that happened in the past that had nothing to do with them.

3) Respect
.. respect others and respect their relationships too. when ur getting too close to a good friend of the opposite sex, and you don't want to lose their friendship but the friendship is causing friction in their love life, the next best thing to do (common sense), is make friends with their other half. by doing so, u give the assurance to their other half that means more than a thousand "but she's just a friend".. n just because ur unattached, its NO reason to push ur happily attached friend to seeing how far he'd go when his other half is not around. RESPECT for fucks sake.

4) Be humble
..ego is a sign of insecurity. fyi, everyone knows it. the more u need to portray that u've got something, the more it is seen that u've got nothing else.

5) Deal, never Forfeit
..deal with things. never block them out. one day, they all combine into a huge ball of fury and come crashing into your 'ok' world when u least expected it. trust me on this. cry if u have to. tear out the pages of ur diary. kick a fuss. whatever. never lie in bed n 'sleep it off' and wake up pretending nothing happened.

6) Forgive
.. even if it takes you a decade to. because, one day, you might be the one begging n pleading to be forgiven. n u just might not be.

7) Listen
..even if your friends are upset about the tiniest thing (eg. they ran out of salted popcorn).. never ever compare ur huge ass problems to ur friend's minute 'thing'... u really think ur mom gave a damn when u cried at home telling her that ur classmate has a nicer set of crayons? no.. but she listened. there's so much going on.. so many problems in the world. n if u dont have anyone listening to ur cute ass teeny tiny thing.. what makes u think anyone would be there for a major problem. so, listen.

8) Decide
..never let your friends decide on your behalf, no matter how much they know you. at the end of the day, you know better. and when you're actually wrong about it.. the real friends u make wont say "i told you so"..

9) Believe, don't Hope
..need i say more

10) Talk to God
.. even if He does not give u a reply. the way it works is that, while u r confiding in Him, ur actually listening to yourself for once and you then really know how ur actually feeling.. n things are given its much needed clarity. if u dont believe in God, then write or blog. or talk to something that cant speak back while ur talking.

so yes, those are the things i learnt a little too late. because if i had used them earlier, maybe, just maybe, i wouldn't be sitting here all cried out over a certain someone who was in the midst of proposing to me on my birthday next week.

oh well.

to whom it may concern

2011-03-15T21:45:00.000-07:00

what's the point of winning when you're left standing alone licking the wounds that led to your victory? so i keep losing cos at least, i know, i still have you.

2011-03-08T20:00:00.001-08:00

i don't know what to do anymore.

burn

2011-03-04T16:16:00.000-08:00

you try to hit me just to hurt me and to leave me feeling lonely cos you don't understand.. we're going down.. and you can feel it too... my dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room..

everything is fine, because its not

2011-01-09T20:52:00.001-08:00

overshadowing a person's 'minor' worries with bigger worries of your own is harmful. because the next big thing that you may worry about, is losing that other person.

everything is fine because its not. nothing is perfect, so if you feel you're at the peak of perfection, look down cos someone might be struggling down there holding up the weight of the world for you.

i.kissed.a.goat.and.i.liked.it.

2011, a year to define you, before the aliens take over in 0'12 and your identity is defined by a barcode

2011-01-04T16:58:00.000-08:00

someday they'll find your small town world on a big town avenue,
gonna make you like the way they talk when they're talking to you,
gonna make you break out of your shell cos they tell you to,
gonna make you like the way they lie, better than the truth..
never once did you think that they'd lie when they're holding you.....
someday they'll open up your world,
do their best to change you,
they still can't erase you.... 'hand me down', matchbox twenty.

ah... one of those days when you click on an old time favourite.. and the words sting you like a crazed hornet. and amidst all the pain, you get a glimpse of who you really were.. and how you've gone so far from your beliefs.

companionship. yikes. there's no such thing as a complete understanding. a relationship with no disagreements. at times, you wonder if yelling out the sensitivities would help. then you fear losing the other party. so you swallow it in and be the 'patient, perfect companion'.. only to realise much later that you're losing yourself.

so the next best thing to do.. blog. its easier.

ghost

2010-10-02T08:32:00.000-07:00

what is it that's pinning me down and sucking out whatever energy i have left. i have days where i choose to sit around doing nothing, but this ghost is leaving me idle for the longest time. with my shoulders slumped and my footsteps heavy, i would expect at least a little understanding and not mere finger-pointing. if the changes are that obvious, i would need a little help with getting to the root of it and not a drawing of the possible destruction of the future.. of us. with this unexpected and unwanted 'evolution', all i need now.. is for you to be you. adapting to changes may seem the most rational thing for you to do. but i need you to screw that idea.

just be you so i can be reminded of me..

and us.

hello, calm

2010-08-15T11:14:00.000-07:00

i've been subdued. the ability to scream out my rage has ceased to exist. i'm not sure if its eating me up inside, and i'm afraid because i have lost all strength to beat myself up over it. i'm not choked though. it feels more as if i don't give a flying fuck anymore. all the things people are saying lately just seem like noise to me. null, and void. i make my decisions on the basis that i am fully aware of certain circumstances and that i am well guarded and that if things did turn around to prove me wrong, i take full responsibility of my own actions and choices and i will be okay because i put myself in such a situation.

so, shut up already.

it takes one big fall to change a person. i fell. i stuggled with an inner war. and all these time, i blamed myself for everything that happened. but i'm glad i know now that i was just a victim of manipulation. and yes, it took a toll on me on a whole new level. i didn't kick. i didn't scream. i said what i had to, i walked away, and this silence in me scared the hell out of me. until, i realised, this is what it feels like to be calm.

thank you, love.

maybe its some fengshui, yin yang shyt...

but yes, you bring out the best in me too..

revelry

2010-07-20T15:33:00.000-07:00

and out of nowhere he appears, a distant memory of years ago when alcohol and loud music ruled all. and a legend he had become from when i remembered, with words that whispers of this great alpha male soaring the female skies, never tiring from conquests. and i thought that despise would be the way to go, when i finally meet the man who broke naive hearts and stole wings of angels.

but i saw a glimmer of true sincerity, and a sign of fatigue.

is he really as tired as i am, of games?

or is this just another one of those times where i find myself stupidly falling at lightning speed.. again..?

games

2010-07-15T11:01:00.000-07:00

games. you only deal when you get the upper hand. so you're a champ now. in your distorted little world where games are the way to go. purity is a thing of the past, you say. when you want something, you turn it around and make it want you more. so your ego bloats.

but few of us, we're tired of dodging the bullets, of sacrificing more of our sanity chips. so bet all you want, because we are not the sorts to bet our dignity and pride over something so juvenile. so you can go on..

and when you win, chins up, and noses high..

you realise the only reason why you're looking up is because we're looking down on you..

absent heart

2010-07-14T07:51:00.000-07:00

missing home already. i now know where my heart is. how can you not fall in love with rainbow sunsets, long drives, impromptu gatherings at random backyards, catching up with the family, and friends you grew up with. i never really felt so doubtful about boarding a plane until i had to leave brunei, this time around, back to my home away from home. eugene mentioned he was having withdrawal symptoms after his trip back home. i never thought i'd feel the same. i had always had a fair fondness between being back in brunei and being here. tonight, i know where i'm leaning towards.

there's no reason to stay. why am i still here?

a familiar pink

2010-07-10T14:10:00.000-07:00

i had an epiphany last night. a change of mind, and a change of heart.

i'm screwed.

blue, night, blue

2010-07-09T12:26:00.000-07:00

back from jo's wedding, and i sat on my balcony looking out at total darkness, and the occasional buzzing of mosquitoes and dragonflies. i scrolled through my older posts and came upon a sentence that stuck out like a sore thumb.

'unexpect all the things that you came to expect'

i haven't been able to achieve that, just yet.. if there was some easy way to revirginise the soul... i could be king. but there isn't.. well, except for getting a serious head concussion that all thats bruised you in the past disappears and you start anew with no fear and nothing to lose. that doesn't sound like a bad idea after all. :)

to all lonely hearts on this blue, blue night.. unexpect all the things that you came to expect.. and if you succeed in doing so, tell me how.

lost

2010-06-23T13:06:00.000-07:00

everyone dreams of flying. coupled with alcohol, we venture into jumping off twelve floors in hopes that some greater being somewhere would throw us a pair of wings just before we hit the ground. and the result is always the same. a mess of broken limbs and a shattered skull. maybe their souls float to a new unforeseeable horizon that spells beauty. maybe there's no such difference between an expiring body and a soul that never dies. maybe the soul dies with the body. however you choose to define it and whatever you choose to believe...

i looked down twelve floors on a cold windy night. i wouldn't mind jumping..

and if i'm the mess you see beneath all the restricting tapes and horrified witnesses..

at least i tried flying.

comfort in your coldness

2010-05-18T13:23:00.000-07:00

the worst feeling in the world is feeling low about yourself and have your loved ones agree to how low you've become. i have been on my own two feet for so long now, that over the past few months, i have been struggling with some sort of an inner breakdown. the people around me are so used to me being able to fight my own wars, that ignorance on their part, coupled with my egoistic nature, led them to believe that i am still okay.

but i'm not.

my ego says, i'm not okay but i'm still alive

minus the ego....

i need a hug

f.u.c.k.y.o.u

2010-03-31T20:33:00.000-07:00

how do you sleep at night thinking about all the times you went wrong and were capable of making people believe that the fault lies within them? do you scratch your balls all the time, when actually you were 'checking' to see if they were still there because your fear of apologising for your existence in this once beautiful world managed to shrink them over time. you had everyone apologising about their mistakes because you know that the biggest mistake they made was you.

oh, but hold your head high. because your ego is all you have left.

on the way to nowhere

2010-03-13T18:51:00.000-08:00

the world is not moving too fast. she's catching up with us. she's trying to. we were made to destroy. with every tick of the clock, we invent more advancements to our tools. we kill off anything in our way. we want to get there. we don't know where, but 'there' sounds good enough. everything done is made in the intention of convenience. but there are no shortcuts. a straight path used to be the way to go. we created shortcuts, uturns, corners.. we created a way to lose ourselves when the path used to be so obvious.

it used to be so easy..

what have we done?

its getting dark, too dark to see

leave.me.out.with.the.waste

2010-03-11T04:36:00.000-08:00

seems like everyone around me somehow resorted to meaningless sex and intoxication. is it just me or did everyone give up searching for a deeper meaning to life. they say the world is ending. i say the world ended a long time ago. its only a matter of time before i surrender. but for now i'll keep searching.

wars

2010-02-27T03:43:00.000-08:00

hope dies, not in the hands of the creator. it dies in the heart of the receiver. we don't create hope, just because. we hope because someone out there gave it to us. we try not to imply through their actions, but we're helpless because when we guard ourselves from implying, their clear-cut-hope-giving-words sneak up in our ears and causes some kind of reaction that could burst and kill when not achieved.

its been over a dozen times in the past week when someone said 'i miss the happy erdi. come back.' i must've done a damn good job pretending because i don't even remember there being a happy erdi. (erdi on tequila is a whole different issue though)

how can you not understand that everyone needs someone. especially 'you'. so my smiles and laughter gave you the idea that i'm a strong person. you fell for your own assumptions. but remember this, and remember this well. our similar responsibilities were the reason we hung on to each other at one point of time. i never needed you to carry my responsibilities on your back. all i needed was to know that when we were both out there fighting our own wars, we could come home and know that we were not alone.

you had me. you still do. i had you. i wish i still did.

but you chose to walk away when you realised i was much more than you bargained for. and it hurts not because you chose to walk away.. it hurts because now i have to fight my own war and come home..

only to retaliate to the war you started against me.

ink on my skin

2010-01-20T00:46:00.001-08:00

You only suffocate because the air around you is stale with all your lost hopes and bitter disappointment. There's always enough air to go around.

You only shed a tear because you want to believe you haven't gone cold. Real pain is when you can't seem to cry. Let it out while you still can.

You only beat a person down because you want to feel more superior. And the reason for that need for superiority? Your inferiority.

You pen your feelings down on paper because the world doesn't understand you. Because the world has bigger problems to deal with.

a phoenix, because, i burn fiercely, but that fire kills me in the end.

my name, because, we forget who we are sometimes.

silent, silent night

2009-11-26T22:32:00.000-08:00

It's 6.35am in London now. About 8 degrees celsius, while I've managed to imprint the chair cushion with the shape of my freezing ass. Been sitting here for the past few hours trying to figure out a way to get back to sleep and wake up without that lethargic, restless feeling. So I came up with a solution: don't sleep. I was up reading the thriller by Minette Walters, The Scold's Bridle, for the fifth time. Still one of my favourite thrillers.

Doesn't help though that its really dim here..

Got to the hotel in the evening after 13 and a half hours of pure hell. I had only one thing on my mind.. to get to the room, take a hot bath, and crash. Even heading out for a smoke sounded like too much effort at that point of time (WOW). So.. once I got my keys, I did a superman dash to my room..

Lo and Behold.........

The room was occupied. I could only see the foot of the bed from where I was when I opened the door.. but I'm pretty sure that a cabin bag, a cargo bag, loud tv, and from the corner of my eye, a pair of feet dangling off the bed, were obvious signs that the room was not vacant.

You can imagine how draggy it was to pull all my bags back to the reception to get a new room. After all the apologies and the room swapping madness.. I finally got a new room.. but you could tell.. that enthusiasm to throw my bags to the corner of the room, strip down and get all cleaned up for a great night of snores was far gone.

And so.. I opened the door to my new room....

I thought I went blind for a moment.. but I guess that was just my paranoid self thinking of the worst.

Just not my day I guess.. One of the main switches blew, I think. So.. for the next two nights, I will be relying on the table lamp..

Call the technician? I seriously can't be fucked.

On the 'bright' side (no pun intended.. ha ha), its kinda romantic being in a dimly lit room in London in winter. Although.. there's no point if there's only you and no one else.

Oh well.

Why nice guys finish last..

2009-11-05T18:04:00.000-08:00

Women give in too much to the person they want to spend their lives with. They become control freaks, because they think that after transforming themselves to a guy's definition of perfection, the least they should be receiving is full commitment. The guy then gets trapped into a world of full time pms, and a truckload of questions and doubts.

We move too fast because we think that by the time we get all the issues aside, we can retire into a slow-moving life of happiness. But by the time we think we are actually achieving that, we realise we're alone because we managed to frighten off the people we want to be with.

And the cycle goes on, and on. And then we get sick and tired of compromising. And time is running out before we reach that premature menopause. The pressure of having a family, the pressure of walking down that aisle with a bouquet of roses, etc. Ah! But in that perfect ceremonial illusion, we realise there's no one waiting at the end of the aisle.

So the pressure of having a family dissolves, because it takes two to make a family. So the pressure of finding a certain someone who would never ever hurt us sinks in.

So we look up all the nice guys who never had a chance with us in the past.. and we fall into their arms and live up the fantasy of finally finding that other half who would make the perfect man of the house..

even when we don't love them..........

and that's why nice guys finish last.

Now my question is...

will you succumb to taking that easy way out knowing that your future will be stable even if its with someone you barely love (oh, and have passion-less, boring, sex the rest of your picture-perfect life),

OR,

risk everything for the one you want to be with, your exact opposite, the one who could drive you six feet under with all the arguments... the one who could just leave.. the one who could make you feel so unwanted at times....

but also the one who could make you feel like the most special person in the world, even if both of you were shovelling manure out of the craphole under the unforgiving summer?

twenty four candles, and twenty four things you should know about me

2009-10-31T07:02:00.000-07:00

out of pure boredom, and out of the need to officially declare myself 24 (yes, i've been in denial for 2 weeks now), i decided i should note down the 24 things you would probably not know about me.

1) when i'm watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S one episode after the other, you know something's up, so, best to leave me be and let me cool off

2) don't ever start a conversation about sexual politics with me.

3) diet? never heard of it

4) you want an honest opinion? come to MAMA!

(this is getting exhausting)

5) i love acoustic music.. a great acoustic band, cool weather, pizza, great company.. thats all i need. one word.. TIMBRE. :)

6) i only eat ice cream in winter.

7) i have serious abandonment issues. panic attack, hyperventilating, all the crazy crap. but i will never succumb to Prozac because THAT IS WHAT CONFIRMS YOUR INSANITY.

8) i give the worst cold treatment. to the point i scare myself at times.

9) i am messy, and lazy, and not afraid to admit it.

10) i am very patient with major things. but i get ticked off over the smallest things.

11) i can survive on Maggi Assam Laksa or Maggi Curry as long as there's chilli padi in it.

12) the first song i fell in love with is "what's up" by four non blondes.

13) a butch grabbed my ass in moscow.

14) i talk in my sleep (bet you knew that already)

15) very rare, but i walk in my sleep too

16) i can't jog for nuts. i get dizzy, and breathless, then i light a cigarette and walk back home

17) ask me to cook if you lost the will to live and if you're looking for easy suicide

18) as a newborn, the nurses nicknamed me 'baby king kong'. go figure.

19) i don't need candlelight dinners, roses, jewellery. time is important, even if it means every night at a prata stall.. i don't mind.

20) i have an eeyore soft toy that i sleep with thats covered in my drool

21) i communicate better thru writing than thru talking, so maybe if you wanna argue about something, write me a letter.

22) if i don't talk to you, it doesn't mean i'm cold. i'm just enjoying the silence. so STOP pushing it and asking whats wrong.

23) i don't take out the contact lenses in my eyes. i wait till they drop off.

24) i now declare myself 24 yrs of age. urgh.

oh, anyway, happy halloween and happy humping. :)

new york after midnight

2009-10-22T22:38:00.000-07:00

So I'm sitting here at 1.39am in the morning in new york, completely awake and completely on the wrong time zone. I just turned 24 a few days ago. Believe you me, it hasn't been good the minute the clock struck on my birth time. What's new right.

I don't know how its come down to where I am right now. An all time low for me. And I don't know why I even still have hope. I wish my stubborn self would just give up for the sake of sanity.

'When do you know when enough is enough?'
'Never.'

Why don't you just stab me and leave me to bleed?

2009-10-11T03:46:00.000-07:00

Some of us were born with a heart that is actually able to feel for others, and common sense. Some of us weren't. Some of us feel that everything we do affect others in some way. Some of us don't see it that way, or even if we do, we don't care. The sad part is, the ones that were born without a heart seem to be enjoying life more than those who were.

Because those who feel, cares for those who don't.

"I used to make the light shine for you.. The sun has left my sky.. Velvet walls surround my sorrows.. I've sacrificed my pride!" Silverstein, 'Giving Up'.

Freudian Nightmare

2009-10-10T21:58:00.000-07:00

Sigmund Freud said that we repress our impulses and hold back certain urges because we live in a civilized society. One way, though, to release these impulses and urges are through dreams.

I wish that wasn't exactly true though.

I have been having recurring dreams, the content of which is too disturbing to share. I can't see how it could be remotely related to my repressed impulses or urges. All i can say about it is that it surprises me as to how my unconsciousness can have such a tremendous level or morbidity. It does not frighten me when I wake, though. But the minute I manage to open my eyes, the heart pounds like its never pounded before, my fists are clenched, and the dream haunts me the rest of my conscious day, after which I would relive it again when I fall back to deep sleep.

And the worse part is not being able to talk about it because if I created it subconsciously and it haunts me to that extent, imagine the effect it would have on another party. So, stop raping my thoughts and just let me get through this.

dark, dark august

2009-08-27T13:46:00.000-07:00

every hit you take leaves a scar thats visible to you and only you. for every hit that i've taken in the past 23 yrs, something in me changes. i don't like who i am today. i don't like the person i become every august. i don't like me.

therapeutic silence

2009-08-13T07:06:00.000-07:00

its not easy to get signals to travel perfectly into someone else's head. even when things are said in the simplest manner, in the simplest words, it gets defined into something else, depending on the wavelength of the other party.

silence is easy.

but not when there's screaming in your head.

so today, i picked up the vacuum cleaner and shut out the screaming by the constant vacuum noise. at least i got something done in the meantime.

:)

block

2009-07-24T05:22:00.000-07:00

I am thankful for my ability to block people out within the blink of an eye. But the bane of my existence is not knowing when to block them out. Most of the time, it is already too late and damage has been done. I usually fall on my knees, crawl out of that solo hell, and then decide to block out whatever which should have been blocked out before i fall.

But I'm only human.

Prior pain should have taught me to be more wary. But prior pain also made me weak and made me fall on any willing pair of hands, be it the hands that would pull me up, or the hands that would beat me down again.

And time and again, you beat me down, and I stay because I'm too tired to seek help.

artificial goodness

2009-07-06T09:59:00.000-07:00

technology kills the very core of why we exist. we exist to feel, taste, see the goodness in simple things. but simple is never enough. we yearn for advancement. we yearn for convenience. we want things to be done in a matter of seconds. we feel great because we achieve things by the click of a mouse. we ignore the consistent struggles our ancestors went through to get something done. even when we do realise it, we feel relieved because we can achieve more, by struggling less, or even, with no struggle at all. but we don't realise that without that struggle, we wouldn't know the worth of things. we take it for granted, and we don't exactly feel the achievement because there were no blood and tears involved.

what exactly are we fighting for then? do we know what is worth the fight, and what isn't? no. because we can fight easily with technology by our side. so even the smallest things can turn into a massive nuclear war.. because its easy.

so what do you do with a sword when a sniper is focused on your forehead?

i'm a drug you use and abuse

2009-06-26T03:31:00.000-07:00

we keep on looking for a chance, banking on hopes that we would be seen as an individual, living, breathing person, and not a fragment of the mass. but time and again, we find ourselves trying to be someone more 'acceptable' in the eyes of the people we want to be with. and those people usually have a certain way of wrapping you around their fingers, and they won't leave because they enjoy the manipulation, and because you don't want them to leave after how you've sacrificed to be the person they prefer you to be.

you usually fall hard for the people who just hurt you in the end. in the process of falling, you question your actions. is it really worth it? and most of the time, before you find the answer to that question, you find yourself battered and bruised in a cold dark alley. and while you're all wet and cold, the person you fell for wouldn't even know the hurt they caused you, and then you realise its not worth it. but its too late because you've already fallen.

and the time it takes you to get back on your own two feet, would be the loneliest, quietest time you've ever experienced. and the person who walks past and decides to help you up.. could be the next person you fall hard for.

so, in any case you need to get on your own two feet, i say do it on your own. don't hope, don't wait for someone else to help you up because your weakness is someone else's weapon.

when the stars go blue

2009-06-12T21:18:00.001-07:00

oh lordy, the horror of it all. well, those glasses WERE in back then. and fried chicken was the staple.

so, i haven't been able to say much lately. i've been on therapy mode. basic yoga and acoustic music keeps me happy. but time and again, i find my fingers itch at the thought of my stagnant blog, and the need for me to fill it with words from the core of that emo-spot in me, so here i am..

the actions of people around me cultured a form of substance that eventually led to the erection of a fierce, heavy wall that i used as a shield, even when i didn't have the need for it. even when something so pure came my way, i found the need to be shielded, just in case.

what i did not take into consideration, was that, some actions were positive actions. positive in a sense that they were naturally positive, and that they would benefit me in a positive way. i spent too much time dwelling on the negativity of the "what ifs" and i neglected the "what would be".

a cowardice act on my part? needless to say. when you've gone down that hole before, you swear you would do whatever it takes never to even be near a hole again. simply put, i would sacrifice happiness to keep me away from ever being near the possibility of falling into that dark, twisted, depressing feeling.

i would sacrifice being happy with someone new, for fear of getting hurt by that same person sometime in the future. i would sacrifice meeting new people, for fear of getting too close and losing them in the end. so i would be alone, because i know i wouldn't hurt me.

ah, but common sense would lead you to spot the biggest mistake there. the assumption that everything ends badly. and that assumption, is indirectly hypocritical to my stand that '"i wouldn't hurt me", because assuming the failure of something that hasn't even had the chance to mature, would be the indirect act of me hurting me.

i have to find a way to bring the shield to the bottom of the pit and to transform that shield to some other form of substance that would cushion my impact. instead of shielding myself from everything that can happen, i need to allow myself to fall, and have something there to give me some way of soft landing.

and if you ask me the next step i will take to allow that to happen, i have no answer for that.

not yet.

got the pastel blues

2009-05-30T17:46:00.000-07:00

paper is more patient than people, anne frank.

i have been so involved in chaos and noise this month. my temper has been acting up, and i need to chill. i know.

i don't hide emotions, unless the circumstances are as such that i don't have a choice. lately though, i keep having to push the emotions aside to get things done. i need to find a balance. i need to find my worth, because lately, i feel like a piece of recycled material being used and reused again.

the people who help to decide your worth, are the ones you usually want. its definitely wrong to think in that sense, but it can't be helped. when the one you want, treats you like dirt, you feel like dirt.

also, i have been adapting and compromising to everyone else's schedules, likes, dislikes, etc. i don't think i've been anywhere or done anything 'because i feel like it' lately.

i've never felt so little.

pizza and conversation

2009-05-10T13:24:00.000-07:00

a weekend, is a weekend. putting the guilt aside for not being in my room reading on islamic law for my paper on tuesday, i went on a de-stress mode and joined some friends for a not-so-hardcore-as-it-was-a-few-years-back birthday gathering. to think that it was a waste of time would be wrong. instead, i'm glad i left my books aside for a bit. i feel more rejuvenated, and more motivated, thanks to pizza and great conversations with great people.

i think the essence of life is the way in which you embrace it. i once thought i needed to see the world, that i needed something more, that i was deserving of a piece of heaven in this world. but when i think about it, that piece of heaven, for me, is just being with the friends i love, wherever, and having great conversations, good food, and maybe a smoking table. lol.

yes, privacy and alone-time is vital to my well-being. i think there should be a balance. and i'm glad that this month started off rocky, because it made me more aware of that balance i needed to have to keep me stable.

and May 2009 will be a huge benchmark for me. my final exams (hopefully), the successful purchase of my first home (300k in debt to hdb..who isn't?), italian course, and most importantly, being around people i haven't been around in a while.

i loike!

six am in my twisted world

2009-05-08T16:13:00.001-07:00

i didn't think the sound of thunder would ever bother me at this time and age.. apparently, i was wrong. when i was younger, i used to believe that at a certain age, everyone would go through an 'evolution', and i wasn't just talking about puberty. i'm speaking of evolving in a strict sense, physically, mentally and emotionally.

i thought that we would wake up one day, at a certain age, completely evolved into a more understanding, mature, grown, adult. today, i believe, that all time makes of us, are complicated creatures scrambling for survival in a twisted world.

but what did i know? hell, i thought my boobs would 'evolve' and its been close to 24 years. lol.

oh, and D, thank you for calling at 5am and lighting up the gloom. i love you but you gotta love yourself too. happy dining (and fucking) tonight.

choices

2009-05-02T08:48:00.001-07:00

i recently had to choose.. between something so imperfectly perfect, and something so perfectly imperfect. in other words, the same kind, with a whole lot of difference between each other. i know i know, it sounds confusing, but believe you me, i've never felt so torn apart.

and i thought, and i thought about it.. and i can't say i've come up with a decision..

but i know, i choose me..

even if it means i'll lead the rest of my life, single, junking on tempura with yy until he gets sick of it and finds a wife.

lol.

lady luck

2009-04-20T04:30:00.000-07:00

serenity and peace plays a big part in my well-being. i have grown past loud music, and intoxication. i am.. getting.. old. lol.

i went to a temple in narita with chris.. and as a joke, he bought me an amulet, to find true love.. soon. lol.. but while he went to the gents, i stood at the peak of a flight of stairs and looked at the amazing, bold, pillars with japanese characters engraved on it. i had no idea what it said, what it stood for, but i know its pretty amazing..

the smell of the joss sticks burning, and the sound of water pouring in the fountains.. i went zombie for a while. i got to the fountain, threw in a coin, and didn't know, for once, what to wish for.. because i am already thankful for what i have.. just enough..

tonight, i am headed for a solo adventure (well, almost). my bags are all packed, and i am nervous. but i am excited too, and although i'm leaving reality for a week, i think its a good move.

need to clear the noises in my head..

Light Up

2009-04-07T01:14:00.000-07:00

It is the 7th of April, and today, I celebrate first loves.

The best part is, before you find your first, you have no expectations whatsoever. And all is pure, naive, and beautiful. I never went on a date with my first love (we were two classrooms away so every weekday was a date). Call it puppy love, but we barely even spoke to each other face to face (not a full sentence at least. it was usually 'Hi.. erm.. hehe.. i'll call you later.. *BLUSH*'). But we did give each other random cards, just because. And we did a lot of smiling.

And as pathetic as that sounds, we DID last for a year or so. We grew from blushing and running away from each other, to being brave enough to sit next to each other. He did what he wanted to, and I did what I wanted to. There was freedom, a lot of freedom (not to the extent of ignorance), and there was trust, because I had never been hurt before since he was the first. And I never pictured getting hurt by him, because love to me, at that point of time, was a box full of romantic cards.

But of course, with all the pretty little things aside, when something so pure and innocent ends for the first time, thats when our idea, definition and expectation of how we want love to be, gets sculpted. Because, in any case the 2nd love comes along, we want to be prepared. And then things get all screwed up, and relationships get into a deeper mess. And you try, and try, to untangle yourself from all the mess you laid out yourself.

Then one day, when you're all busy with defining, and expecting, something somewhere somehow reminds you of your first. And you stay stagnant for a few hours before you realise that the first time you loved, was the wisest time you loved. And you realise that you haven't really grown with regards to love.

And you wish there was a reset button somewhere to allow you to 'unexpect all the things you came to expect'.

Remember your first love, and you will be reminded of how love really should be. Celebrate your first love, and celebrate you.

oh, and happy birthday to my first love. lol.

jump

2009-04-04T13:46:00.001-07:00

i've never been one to take risks. i played it safe for 23 years. i decided, this time, i should just let go. i won't triple check my harness, i won't pray a billion times that the line doesn't snap. i'll just jump, and let whatever happens, happen.

when life hands you lemons, you suck the juice out, and spit out the seeds.

ps. this pic was taken when sri and i were on our way to getting lost in the middle of the park on su's wedding day. we weren't lost yet. just, on our way to getting lost. lol. i guess when you choose to cam-whore in the middle of a huge park and not concentrate on the bearings, thats what happens. lol.

you define you

2009-04-01T10:10:00.001-07:00

you define you. all the outside noise will tell you otherwise. they come up with things that you never knew about yourself. and 70 percent of the time, the 'thing you never knew about yourself' is far from true. take it if you believe it, and work from the draft they worked out of you, for the better. but if what they said, you can't believe because it doesn't seem a good thing, then don't fret. don't waste your time thinking 'am i really what they say i am?'..

at one point in your life, when it seems you're far from being satisfied with what you are, don't stay stagnant. try, at least. don't let that depression remind you every damn minute that this is not how you imagined you would be, at this age, at this point of time.

i have gone past trying to focus on dividing up the outside noise, and listening to every individual line. today, i decided, outside noise.. is outside noise. i'll do what i have to do, when i have to do it, and the reason why i'm doing it is up to me to decide.

because..

you define you, and i define me.

my blood, your tears

2009-03-26T15:01:00.000-07:00

my sanity, vulnerability, strength, patience, and decision-making skills have been put to the test. 'life' decided it should just throw it all on me at the same time. also, it decided, i should learn to fall. hard.

but i decided, this time, i should run because its too much to take. i need to break away, and if there was someway i could convince 'life' that breaking away is, in fact, my falling, then i'll be gone as soon as my laundry is done- i need nice clothes.. hell.. don't need to show the world that i'm falling apart. lol.

and as much as i know that it'd hurt you, i hope you know it hurts me more. it hurts me to leave. and it hurts me to know that i'd hurt you.

vintage love

2009-03-15T05:41:00.001-07:00

i'd like to have the freedom to do my own things, at my own time, and at the end of the day, have someone to talk to.

i'd like to love in a way that is unusual, in this day and age, and write letters (screw the email) for no rhyme or reason, but, just because.

i'd like to turn 70 and wheel to where my partner is, and have tea and solve crossword puzzles.

truth is, its not easy to find a partner who would understand that there should be breathing ground in between. and its even harder to be able to stick to what you've wanted from the start, because there's a thing called Compromise. i've learned that there are things that you can compromise. trivial things. but when it comes to a certain something that would affect your life in some major way, then there should be no compromise. we don't owe our lives to anyone, even that hero who saved your life from being smashed by a car. we were given a life to live, not to return. and even though, technically, we will have to return it to some superior godly force in the end, i don't believe in returning it in the same position/situation as it was initially. and even when that position/situation has changed in some way, it has to be signed, sealed, and delivered by you, and only you.

and with all the things that i would, in the future, refuse to compromise, you'd think that it'd be impossible to find that perfect match who'd be giving enough to allow my refusals.

but i believe there's someone out there.

compass

2009-03-14T12:04:00.000-07:00

i was asked, out of the blue, what my plans were. where would i be in the near future? what would i be doing?

i wish i had some form of life map, where i could trace at least a rough sketch of the future, at least know what i'm headed towards. or maybe, a compass.

i thought about it for the past week, and i asked myself, 'what can i see me doing in the future?'

and i see me, in some unknown place (all i know is that its far away from where i am), typing away on the laptop, handing in an article for some digest.

but that, seemed more a fantasy, than something real.

so the real question now is, how far will i go to make that fantasy real? or will i just succumb to the 'realness' of sitting in an office from 8-5?

fluorescent adolescent

2009-03-11T00:02:00.000-07:00

the empire is ruled by a bunch of loudmouths who are really just proponents of the majority. even when the majority chooses the wrong side to be on. even when they know it. so when you find that you are alone in your choice, stay on your side. if you feel its right that you are on the other side, stay on. if you feel guilty because you are alone, still, stay on.

i don't believe in joining the mass, just because. the world looks to the majority as a safe option. but the minorities are usually ignored. because, they prefer to hide.

even, one day, when you find that you could have been wrong, then you feel all stupid and alone in your lonely war, at least you had the balls to stand on your own. that passion you have in your choice, be it right or wrong, makes you man enough to be someone else, and not a fragment of the group.

fight on, don't retaliate. it is a lonely war.

42nd street

2009-03-09T22:31:00.000-07:00

Was in Manchester for the weekend, and Jo travelled from Newcastle to meet me there. Superb! I miss her already. 42nd street and Macbeth made the gloomy cold disappear, and I felt as if we were in her balcony all over again.

Of course, I couldn't escape from being back here and sorting out all the things that need sorting out. I guess that trip was what I needed to just breathe for a bit.

Thanks Jo! Love you!

number nine

2009-02-22T18:39:00.000-08:00

times like these, i wish jo and ricky were just minutes away. if i could, i would take them away to a place unknown to google earth. just for a day, just soaking up the sun, and floating on dreams. i looked at the sky last night, when i was semi-high on a high dosage of cough syrup and panadols. and i saw a small crescent, and i swear, i heard jo say "we're under the same sky", and i felt closer to the both of them.

the best friends you make, are the ones who make you smile even when they're miles away.

tough love, and reading between the lines

2009-02-19T20:03:00.000-08:00

you only learn, when your mistakes are thrown back in your face. as a friend, i don't believe in cushioning the impact of your own actions. i believe that the best kind of people to be around with, are those that assist you in your next course of action, and not those that tell you what you want to hear in between the process of what you have done, and the next course you wish to take.

so, you can call me names, and refuse to hear me out. but you know damn well whose voice it is thats ringing in your ears.

i believe that when i cushion your impact, you will fall again because when you repeat the same damn mistake, you will think that its quite okay because you can feel better when you talk to the funny people who tell you 'hey, its alright'.

but the fact of the matter is, what you are doing, is not 'alright'. you know your mistake. you know it IS a mistake. so, why don't you JUST NOT LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN?

simple?

erdi and the romeo that never existed

2009-02-13T21:10:00.000-08:00

we search for companionship, for a partner. they say you eventually find someone when you stop looking so hard. i think the reason why we all are so hard-up on finding our other halves, is because, we want to know that we are loved in return. thats normal. but if you 'need' to know that you are loved in return, then i guess insecurity plays a big part in your actions.

love, for me, stunts growth, because i am (was) the sort who gives (gave) everything up for my other half. its not a good thing, i admit. i tried to change, especially over the past year. i don't know yet if i've succeeded because i haven't put the 'new me' to the test.

just as a backup though, i started to rearrange my own personal life. my studies, salsa classes, getting a flat, etc. i think there are so many things that you can achieve while you're still single. so, i stopped whining about being alone, and i take it as an opportunity to get things done.

but now, its starting to feel as if i'm more comfortable being in this position. it doesn't scare me though.

i kinda feel good.

so, to all the people i already love, and not to the people i imagined i would be loved by, happy valentines.

no, i am not going to be vulgar or skeptical this year.

ps. i took this pic in frankfurt right after lunch at a bavarian pub when lut made me run after the couple to snap a quick pic. i didn't get a clear shot, but if you look closely, that 60+ yr old woman is on that scooter thing that kids love. and her husband's just trying to keep up with her. heh.

Barriers

2009-02-08T23:12:00.000-08:00

I believe that the stronger you make yourself out to be, you're really only weaker on the inside. Once, a while ago, Merman and I were proponents of the view that we are really just casts of a complicated script. Today, I believe, we subconsciously write the script.

When we ask a question, 90 percent of the time, we already know the answer (here I am referring to those who have already gone through puberty). For example, "Should I (insert question)?" We already know the answer.

We don't look for answers when we ask questions anymore. Nowadays it seems to me, most of the time, we are looking more for acceptance. Should I wear green or red? I know I want to wear red. Then your friend tells you, 'I think, green's cool', and so, green it is. This is only a dense example.

I had a talk with a friend yesterday after work, and all the drama she's going through just knocked me off my senses. I know how she feels, and for the life of me, I felt I was talking to the mirror of how I used to be. All her negative emotions, sadness, disappointment, heartaches and such, she chooses to channel it into Anger. Because, 'weak' does not exist in her dictionary.

But, I told her, her action of channeling all the other emotions into anger, is as good as writing 'weak' all over her forehead. I hope, though, that she manages, in some way or another, to pull through this phase.

And, believe you me, I am not saying I've pulled through the said phrase. The process of pulling through, for me, was hindered by some unknown charge, and I am the opposite of what I was before. I didn't get the chance to neutralise because I was thrown to the other end of the pole. Today, I can't show anger, because I channel anger into guilt. I believe that it takes two hands to clap and when I want to just yell or throw it all out, I realise that it could just be me. So I take it all in and look for something else to throw my attention to, even if the subject matter bores me to death.

Bullets of a Rising War

2009-02-06T09:09:00.000-08:00

I hate to watch the news these days. So don't ask me if I know anything about what has been happening lately, because I try not to look at the news. Though of course, that msn webpage that appears the minute I click on the internet explorer keeps me updated with mere headlines, eg. how Jessica Alba wore a girdle to lose that post-pregnancy weight, and how Obama admitted to a mistake.

They say, that bad publicity is still publicity. I say, bad publicity is the only kind of publicity. You don't sit in front of the tele and listen to who saved a cat from a tree. You listen to screw-ups, who murdered who, who kept his daughter in the basement and committed nauseating incest, etc.

I really think that bangbus has more viewers than the internet news. I may be wrong, but hey, at least its more productive, in 'that' sense, and someone's getting laid at least.

Polluted

2009-01-29T07:08:00.000-08:00

Its only natural to wake up one day and feel 'i hate the world today'. What with the world being polluted with dirty politics, masochist ideologies, etc. To feel that kind of hatred, though, would mean that we've been both a victim of that certain circumstance, and the creator of that circumstance. If you've only been either one, than that hatred would cease to exist, because, it would be more of a confusion as to why you were a victim, or why you did what you did to create that circumstance.

When you've been a victim, and you realise one day, that you're doing the same thing to someone else, BAM! then the hatred kicks in, because you despise yourself for being a hypocrite. but the turning point is how you emerge from that self-guilt. are you going to nod, and accept the fact that you've faulted the system? or are you, like the majority, going to blame it on how you were a victim before and how the fact that you've been in the pits before should neutralise that "involuntary-negative behaviour"?

but some days, you can't take full responsibility for your actions, and you refuse to pour blame on others.. so you take it out on something else.. something which sums up everyone including you, and something which, as a single world, is too vague so you can be mad at at least something without being too precise so no one knows.

so you wake up, and you think 'i hate the world today'.

Acoustics and Paper

2009-01-09T18:43:00.000-08:00

The worst feeling in the world, is not knowing what to feel when something happens. Not dealing with your emotions in the appropriate manner fucks you up in ways you can never imagine. With all the grievances and the turmoil thats been laid out on your itinery, you'd been expected to show a little anger, and soak your pillow in painful tears. But you think, you have to move on. So you go through all the chaos as if it were just another normal day.

Then it turns around and bites you back in the ass. Everything that was supposed to have broken you in the past comes crashing into your 'okay' world when you least expected it. Its as if a little part of your brain was triggered by the smallest little action and secretes a poison that causes a terrible reaction. But no, it wouldn't kill you, like you would like it to. It slowly eats up all the positiveness that you once had. A slow, painful suffering. Not a slow, painful death.

So I let it past, as painful as it is because there's no stopping it. When it cools, I pick up my guitar and learn more chords in my 'okay' world, silently hoping I'd gain back what I'd lost before my next sentence, when I'm triggered again.

Resolutions

2008-12-29T06:02:00.000-08:00

I spent Christmas Eve in LA, all cuddled up in the hotel room slurping on instant noodles I purchased during a nightstop in Tokyo. Yikes.

Anyway, the new year is coming up, and I haven't thought of resolutions yet. I managed to fuck up all the past years' resolution, so this should be no different. Lets just, for the fun of it, come up with a few resolutions from the back of my head.. lets see..

1) Have more patience in dealing with hollow people

2) Find a real-life Edward Cullen (virtually similar to the one in my imagination)

3) Save money

4) Take more salsa lessons (which defeats the previous resolution of saving money)

5) Achieve the above

Anyway, I don't have much to say. Hollow people have a way of rubbing their shallow charge on you.

Edward Cullen

2008-12-13T22:02:00.000-08:00

So the Twilight movie sucked. NOTHING compared to the book. Anyway, I had a conversation with my colleague at 4am this morning.

She's all weak in the knees, helplessly in love.. with a gentleman. It sounds off to me. I thought we missed the era, where men opened doors for girls, waits for you to take a seat in restaurants before he does, etc. Do they still really exist? Doubtful. I had to remind her to be aware, and that he could either be, the one gentleman who survived extinction, or a jerk who knows how to play his cards damn well.. throwing a prim, proper, polite exterior to make up for what he lacks.

And she asked me, about my love life. I'm not surprised that she thought I went mental for falling in love with a character from a storybook. A vampire. My Edward Cullen (and not the actor in the movie.. puh-leez)..

Basically, I'm fucked.

Reading about Edward caused me to draw a mental image of my version of perfection in a man. Knowing that my expectations are way high.. No real living person would ever fit in those shoes in my head. Do I still have hope though?

I doubt so.

In the meantime, I'll just fall in love in my dreams. Its so much more fun.

Forgotten Verse

2008-12-04T21:41:00.000-08:00

So the International Express has a column, the Forgotten Verse, where readers request for verses, poetry, quotes, and I don't know why (oh, but I do), I just have to type it down..

I Do Not Love Thee, by Caroline Elizabeth Sarah Norton (1808-1876)

I do not love thee!
-no! I do not love thee!
And yet when thou art absent I am sad;
And envy even the bright blue sky above thee,
Whose quiet stars may see thee and be glad.
I do not love thee!
-yet, I know not why,
Whate'er thou dost seems still well done, to me:
And often in my solitude I sigh
That those I do love are not more like thee!
I do not love thee!
-yet, when thou art gone,
I hate the sound (though those who speak be dear)
Which breaks the lingering echo of the tone
The voice of music leaves upon my ear.
I do not love thee!
-yet thy speaking eyes,
With their deep, bright, and most expressive blue,
Between me and the midnight heaven arise,
Oftener than any eyes I ever knew.
I know I do not love thee! Yet, alas!
Others will scarcely trust my candid heart;
And oft I catch them smiling as they pass,
Because they see me gazing where thou art.

Going Solo

2008-12-02T20:29:00.000-08:00

My leave is ending in 3 days, and it sucks that its only starting to get productive. I enrolled myself for private salsa lessons which starts this evening, and prior to that, the past few days have been, quiet.

I've been playing crossword puzzles on the International Express (and absolutely forgoing the other pages that I'm supposed to be reading for my studies).

"Shallow inlet of the North Sea on the East coast of England, between Lincolnshire and Norfolk". 2 words. 1st word: 3 letters, ends with an 'e'. 2nd word: 4 letters, '*a*h'. I can't figure it out. Geography plays no part in my legally-analytically-infused-brain.

"City in the Netherlands, in North Brabant province". 9 letters. 'e*l**o*e*'.

Anyway, I couldn't resist getting the sequel to Twilight. New Moon, so far, has the ability to depress you in a way you never imagined. You never thought you could feel hollow emptiness the way Bella feels it by just reading a book. Stephenie Meyer is a master of putting emotions on paper. I'm not entirely done with the book yet, and as depressing as it is, the addiction to the book is unbelievable.

Last night, I went to watch a play. The Office Party. It wasn't up to my expectations. Some bits were funny enough, but I sat there most of the night, in pain. What with the cast donning on British accents, when they were far from being British. Well, I didn't fall asleep, so I'm guessing its worth a watch, as long as you bring down your level of expectations.

Coming up in March, is Defending the Caveman. Its basically a play about females, and males. Sounds promising. :)

I'll be off lazing around and googling the answers to the rest of my crossword, before I head out for Salsa! So, if you know the answers to the puzzles, msn-it!

Ta!

Random

2008-11-28T02:11:00.001-08:00

Two incidents, that will, keep me smiling the rest of the week.

1)

Sham: You know, I was a Muslim in my past life. And I was also a cow.
Me: Wait.. you were a Muslim cow?
Raj: Halal!!
Sham: No! No! Not in the same life!
Me: Don't care! HAHA
Raj: Pull down those pants! Maybe there's a halal chop on your butt! HAHA!

2)

Me: I'm super annoyed. He calls in the middle of the night to ask if I remember his password!
Jasper: You think! She calls me all the time to ask me how to spell certain words!
Me: Maybe we should put them together..
Jasper: I can soooo see it.. HAHA.. Like.. "What's my password?"... "I dont know how to spell".
HAHA..

Bloodsuckers

2008-11-26T00:52:00.000-08:00

So, I spent twelve hours in the hotel room, deep in the pages of Twilight, by Stephenie Meyer. 434 pages, to be exact. The first 3 hours were shuffled with me trying to get my head into the mood of the gloomy town of Forks, and watching the rerun of the American Music Awards 2008, what with Annie Lennox, blowing me away with the piano acoustic of Why.

So, the verdict for Twilight. WOW.

My colleagues and I were at Bondi Beach for lunch, and before I headed back to the hotel, I decided to drop by the bookstore, and I grabbed 3 books (for the price of 2). I don't know why that was worth mentioning, but it was a good bargain anyways. :)

I sat, from 6pm, to 6am, reading Twilight and to which, I had no idea was a bestseller, and to which I was unaware that a movie, based on this book, was to be played sometime in December. To me, it started out as 'just a book I got for a good bargain'.

The plot, when I read the back cover of the book, seemed juvenile. 'Vampire romance at high school'. Sounded Buffy-ish to me.

But I wouldn't spend twelve hours, without sleep, reading something not worth the sacrifice of rest.

The book was moving. Sacrifice, Pain, Love. All twisted into a simple story. I know, its weird. We can't relate to falling in love with a vampire.

Then again, we fall for bloodsuckers all the time. :)

I give Twilight a 5/5.

Analyse me

2008-11-21T10:14:00.000-08:00

I feel as if the weight of the world is on my shoulders. Life has, for me, turned into a chaotic repetition. I report for work, and I do what is expected of me. When I get the chance to hide in my room, I let my thoughts run free. And on some exceptional days, I stare at the four walls, and I breathe. And I breathe, until my phone starts to ring. Proposals for a lunch out. Or I breathe, until I hear my housemates dragging their poor bodies to their rooms after a long, hard day at work.

I promised myself I would at least study and get back on track, but the books are still wrapped in plastic. I need to have at least a little discipline, and balance work, studies, and staying sane.

And I choose the people I want to spend whatever time I have left, with. I don't like hearing from people who ask me, How have you been? Its been a while.

Because.. I don't have the answer to that. I would love to know, though, the answer to that. How am I really doing? And where have I been all these while? I can tell you, the countries I've been to.. all the plastic details.. what I ate for lunch, what I plan to have for dinner..

But if I can tell you, how my insides are coping, without bawling out a single tear, then I'll know that I'm okay, that I'm fine.

For now, I think, I would prefer to answer plastic questions, with plastic answers..

Because I am not fine, and when I have to give a reason for why I am not fine, I wouldn't know what to say..

But, do not doubt for a single second while I'm away in my own world, if I ever thought of the people I love.

You don't know the pain I feel, when I think of how empty my life would be, without my family, and without friends.

And I wonder, now, if they are really angry at my disappearance, or if they are more worried that they have ceased to exist in my thoughts.. because, the latter is far from true.

twentythree

2008-10-19T15:01:00.000-07:00

so, i'm a year older..

maybe ten years wiser when it comes to making financial decisions (i have no choice.. i'm living on my own earnings.. haha)..

five years wiser when choosing between rest, or hard partying on a work night

two years wiser when replying to my dad's messages-under-influence

but i can't say much for love..

still folding hearts out of paper.. still smiling to songs-that-remind-me-of-that-time-when-(insert memory).. still feeling that pang when i hear something i don't want to hear about someone i want to hear about.. still a kid at heart..

wise love? never heard of it..

Bimbo Attack

2008-10-14T22:41:00.000-07:00

Quite a while ago, I got into a conversation with a pure breed bimbo, and I must say, if stupidity could kill, I wouldn't be sitting here typing away..

Out of boredom, one of the girls asked us if we would marry a man for his money, and nothing else..

My answer was, no. And I went on to explain that I wouldn't feel satisfied because the things that I will own will not be through my own blood, sweat, and tears. I'd feel 'plastic'.

"Bimbo: Of course! Then I don't have to work.. I get my gucci, prada, lv, etc..

Me: So you're not fueled by satisfaction?

Bimbo: If I have a rolex on my wrist, and a gucci on my shoulders, and jimmy choos on my feet, I'll feel satisfied.

Me: But how can you feel satisfied owning all those things that you didn't even pay for?

Bimbo: I can donate to charity to make myself feel satisfied

Me: But the money you donate won't be yours..

Bimbo: I know.. But I'll be doing good for society

Me: But I'm talking about being satisfied with yourself

Bimbo: I will be satisfied with myself when I marry a rich man

Me: Satisfied about what?

Bimbo: That I can get a rich man to marry me

Me: Won't it make you feel... plastic?

Bimbo: Huh?

Me: nevermind. But don't you want to achieve SOMETHING by yourself instead of through your husband's money?

Bimbo: If I marry a rich man, then I achieved something right...

Me: Achieved what?

Bimbo: Huh?

Me: What?

Bimbo: What? Huh?!

Me: Ok.. we have to end this discussion.."

Got Milk?

2008-09-22T09:32:00.000-07:00

"The following items have been recalled due to China's milk situation:
Durex condoms, vanilla flavour.
Durex special chocolate flavour KY gel.
Strawberry flavoured dildos.

Also..

try to avoid sucking on China breasts."

Haha. Thanks for the sms Y.
Its time like these where you wonder how we are actually able to make fun of a somewhat serious situation. I say, its a good thing.

Overkill

2008-09-14T00:37:00.000-07:00

I'm currently listening to a whole array of genres. My playlist is sick. I think I can get a heart attack from switching moods every 4.36 minutes, with Sam Sparro's Black and Gold, followed by Chaka Demus and Pliers' Murder She Wrote, then Shai's If I Ever Fall in Love Again.

Anyway, I was in Brunei last weekend. A sudden urge to book a ticket outta Singapore to meet my old friends. Missed my flight on Thursday thanks to lack of sleep. But I got out on Friday, 3 hours early. Anyway, I won't boast on the great time I had, because I already did.

If you're thinking that this post is somewhat mundane, bland, blogging-for-the-sake-of-blogging-so-shut-the-hell-up-erdi.. you're right. Its exactly how I feel now.

I should nap for a couple of hours.

Perfectly Imperfect

2008-08-26T05:22:00.000-07:00

We yearn for a life full of perfect memories, perfect everything-s.

A perfect life.

But we make backup plans. In addition to our current standings, we build a perfect image of how we want to be, and a further addition of a backup plan, just in case.

Three different standings. The current, The what-i-could-be, and The just-in-case.

But at some point of time, I hope we all realise that we are more than perfect, to settle as a perfectly imperfect human being.

And no, perfectly imperfect is NOT ordinary.

Soaring Oil Prices, and Stuff

2008-08-21T04:56:00.000-07:00

Bangkok isn't what it used to be. With all the corruption and commission-earning tuk tuk riders, its the last place you would want to go for that hard-earned annual leave.

Oh well.

In other news, Thai farmers are going back to basics and "training" cows to work on fields. Due to soaring oil prices, they are not able to maintain their farming machinery which runs on fuel.

Even cows are affected by soaring oil prices.

Bound as Fools

2008-08-14T21:50:00.000-07:00

The need for intimacy fucks up everything in the cycle of falling in love. Because, the need for intimacy doesn't necessarily have anything to do with being in love.

This was basically the conclusion my colleagues and I came up with over our thai dinner in the heart of san francisco.

Yy quit smoking a year ago, and now he's addicted to sheesha. Thats basically what I'm saying. A replacement. He doesn't miss smoking. He just needs a little huff puff action.

So, yes, we can wait all we want.. sit at the bar and get wasted.. go home, sleep the alcohol off.. wake up with a hangover.. grab lunch.. watch some lame ads on tv.. check our phones.

But NO.. there won't be a message from the other party confessing their undying love for us.

We can feel all feather light and tickled pink when they hold our hands while crossing the roads, and we can giggle all we want when we receive a once-in-a-blue-moon message from them, and we can dream of having a big happy family with them..

But NO..

Its just their need of intimacy and we know better.. we know how things will turn out.. and we can all be in denial.. because for now.. we're bound as fools.. just for a lil while more.

What is the Bloody Point?

2008-07-29T08:17:00.000-07:00

I was just thinking..

lets take a simple example.. of folding the ends of toilet rolls into an arrow pointing downwards.

What is the bloody point?

They say, its all in the presentation. You see, people are born ignorant. We only get to know things because we are supposed to do it. If you've never folded the ends of toilet rolls, you wouldn't know that. You'd go to a hotel toilet, and you think.. Wow.. its all folded.. So, what are you gonna do? Write a long compliment letter to the housekeeping management on their wonderful display of toilet paper folding?

I doubt so.

So, you see, it probably happened in this manner. The first batch of toilet-paper-folding-enthusiasts started all this hype, and seeing that it got them nowhere, they had to make sure that the legacy lived.. just to make our lives more difficult. So, when we don't do the same.. we're in the lazy, average class.

So, moral is, fold the ends of your toilet rolls. You might end up sitting on an imaginary gold chair with velvet cushions and a diamond studded crown. Then, you get to be the boss of the new generation.

Therapy for the Confused

2008-07-19T05:57:00.000-07:00

Things to do if you're feeling low

1) watch Friends while you snuggle up under the covers with a tub of ben n jerrys

2) sing to Build me up Buttercup

3) call up another person (me) who is also feeling low, and laugh at how pathetic you both are

4) write a letter to yourself

5) talk to your housemates with different accents for every new sentence

6) get wasted on your sundeck and make prank calls

7) think of a name you would prefer people to know you by

8) take up yoga or a dance class

9) clean your room

10) visit an old folks home

Chubby Hubby

2008-07-14T08:20:00.000-07:00

Its 11.20pm and I'm sitting here with a whole pint of Ben n Jerry's Chubby Hubby.. "Fudge covered peanut butter filled pretzels in vanilla malt ice cream with fudge and peanut butter".. how can you resist that..?

I don't know why the sweet tooth's been acting up lately. The only sweet thing I'm addicted to is coke. But I find myself saving space for dessert lately.. weird.

Anyway, I'm still very active after 12 hours of catching up with the cousins, grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning the room, sms-ing, sms-ing and sms-ing..

must be the sugar rush.

its time to catch up on dvds. its sweeney todd nite!

till i come up with something clever to blog about!

checklist

2008-07-08T05:01:00.000-07:00

You usually don't get to choose the type of person you get with. Yea, you make up a list of criteria to be fulfilled by some imaginary person. then when someone comes along, this living, breathing, person who makes your heartbeat race till you get all nauseous, you look at the list and you think, 'nah, i'll make an exception'.

tall - he's not THAT tall but nahh.. its ok
handsome - he's not scofield but i guess he'll do
sensitive - too soon to tell
funny - his jokes are lame but it makes me laugh.. so it should be fine

then when things go wrong, you realise you're stuck with a lame short ugly fuck who cries more than you do.

so STICK with your rules. once you break one, all the other rules will cease to exist. u keep on telling urself.. i broke one.. breaking another one wont be that bad..

then u wake up and realise you don't have anything left to hold on to.

Roadkill

2008-07-03T11:02:00.000-07:00

So, don't get me started on the marriage thing. I just got an e-card wedding invitation today. And I'm not going to make any other comments about it. Technology beckons.

Anyway, I finally enrolled myself for manual driving lessons. Which I will probably regret on the first practical. I'm bad at co-ordination (I can't sing and play the guitar at the same time. Its either or). So, seeing that I'm already so used to driving auto, well, when I have the chance to, a friend made it a point to tell me that I might get frustrated in the first few manual lessons, and so, it sounded like a challenge to me... and I enrolled.

I've been in Singapore for half a week, and I'm so tired from being out all the time, I miss my room. Why do I bother?

"supper"

"nah, i need alone time. dvds and chips."

"you can have all the 'alone time' you need when you're in your grave"

"time and place?"

then when i'm out, i'll feel all tired and lazy so i tend to sit my arse in ONE place for hours just chatting and not doing anything productive. and i think, when i'm in my grave with time all alone, there will be no dvds and chips. and i make a lame excuse to head home. which most of the time, will be ignored..

so i sit a couple hours more.

Hey you up there, stop rubbing it in.

2008-06-28T21:36:00.000-07:00

Its 0640 in Paris now, and I'm wide awake after being concussed for approximately 12 hours. Prior to that, I received endless messages and calls from Singapore.. proposals for a crazy Saturday night.

Its funny how I survived so many weekends away from where I want to be.

Anyway, why is everyone getting engaged, or getting married? I was at the hotel lobby waiting for my room yesterday when I received a message from an old friend..

"got the invite?"

"what invite?"

"please check your facebook inbox, and your letterbox.. i sent it last week"

"WHAT invite?"

"dinner"

"dinner invites? have u heard of sms-ing? haha"

"yes, i have.. and thats what i'm doing now.. Wedding dinner la gundu"

"oh. get back to u when im home on tues"

ok, the first thing that came to my mind. who the fuck sends wedding invites on facebook.

secondly, i've never heard of a tri-vi-tation. facebook, letter AND sms?

thirdly, is this another rub-it-in gag after what my granny told me the other day (long story)?

and just when i was silently cursing in my head, the receptionist came out with a couple of keycards and passed them around to the few lucky people who got their rooms early.

"Md Effendy Hazlina"

yes, laugh all you want. they got my steward and me coupled up without even knowing it. there's a Md Effendy, and there's Erdiana Hazlina. oh for fucks sake, there's NO effendy hazlina. so, while my steward rolled his bags to "our room" while grinning sheepishly at the mix up, i waited for another hour for them to clear the mess.

and that was a very difficult hour. what with my grandmom's voice in my head, and the invites..

hey you up there! stop rubbing it in!

To Fuck and Forget, or to be Fucked and Forgotten?

2008-06-26T23:23:00.000-07:00

Which would you classify yourself under? The F-er and the F-ter, or the F-ed and the F-ten?

To say that the latter makes you more human than the former, would mean to say that to be more human, means to take in all the beating and the pleading. Does that mean that we hurt-ees are more human than the hurt-ers?

Then again, we were all given the same opportunity. To live, and to die. We're all already automatically classified as humans.

Would you give up your happiness to be "more" human? Is there such a thing as being "more" of a human than you already are?

If, we were all to just fuck and forget, then there would be no need for any kind of classification, because, then, we will all be f-ers and f-ters, which would be the norm of humanity.

Then again, the classification of humans does not stop there. There are diverse branches of being human. Unfortunately. Therefore, different views, different colours, different beliefs.

Different circumstances.

So, I say, all those fucked and forgotten.. live life, and fuck and forget the fuckers.

And to all those fuckers and forgetters.. know life, and feel how it feels to be fucked and forgotten.

just a thought.

Midweek Madness

2008-06-26T11:19:00.000-07:00

For the past few weeks, I've been involved in a wild frenzy of trying to cook and partying till I can't feel my legs.. midweek madness! So my first attempt to cook involved an instant sachet of chicken curry paste. Failed! (and no! i am not going to say anything about the salt and the eggs kev! hah)

So yesterday, I was all ready to cook fish. I gave up in the supermarket. And I walked out with more instant sachets of traditional recipes.

My granny will be proud to know that I could even screw up instant cooking.

If I had to choose between remembering things, or cooking a decent dish to save the world........

I'll send all of you early farewell cards.

And did I mention, after a year of pumps, slippers, and flat sandals.. I lost all ability to walk in heels.

Oh well..

Pilot

2008-06-20T01:55:00.000-07:00

they say, when one door closes, another one opens.

but they never tell you where to look, or how long it takes.

so, everyone is currently in a serious mess now. what with roobs having to drag herself to work everyday.. for a couple more weeks before she has to look for 'the door'. and doe crying his eyes out over a seven year relationship gone to waste while, also, looking for 'the door'. and mud having to deal with a screamo ex in clubs while 'the door' just slammed right in his face.

so doe and i had a conversation late last night (before i knocked off while he was still on the line). for the life of me, i can't really remember what i was saying to him, but i do know he was sobbing endlessly, and its not a good thing because....

you know how when you're facing some obstacle, and you're trying to be cool about it. so someone needs a friend, and they chose you.. and they go on and on... and it kinda reflects what you've been trying so hard to be cool about. but hey, you think, you just gotta be a good friend. so you suck it all up, and give 'good' advise. and you feel like the biggest hypocrite ever because you never really did listen to your own advise.

ok, i'm rambling on... so i'll end it here, for now. heh.

anyway.. daniel sahuleka is on my playlist. if you like acoustic, you'll love the guy. and if you need a more upbeat alternative sound, shihad (nz band... not a terrorist group as the name might suggest) sounds good.. i like 'vampires'.

enjoy.

oh, HELLO new blog. haha.